AITA : 'Stop being such a f-ing embarrassment' : Wife Snaps at Control-Freak Husband as He Oversteps His Stepdad Boundaries by Making Passive-Aggressive Remarks to Her Children About Bedtime on Vacation

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elina lee
Mar 14, 2023 2:00 PM EDT

Marriage is VERY complicated as it is, but if you throw in merging two families with kids from previous marriages, welp, that's a whole other level of complicated. See, the thing with getting re-married is that there need to be clear boundaries for the step-parents. Finding the right balance in step-parent and step-children relationships is not easy but one thing that the step-parents should always remember is that they are in no way entitled to someone else's child. You might be joining a new family, but that doesn't give you the right to act like you're the king of the castle. 

And that brings us to today's story about a control freak stepdad that clearly knows no boundaries. So much so, that he's willing to show his passive aggression in front of the in-laws while they all vacation together. So embarrassing and disgusting, but definitely worth a read so you know what type of red flags to look out for. 

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  • 01
    Font - Posted by u/Fit-Respond3512 16 hours ago AITA for calling him a "fi ing embarrassment"?
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 02
    Font - I've been seeing my fiance for 4 years now and I came in to the relationship with 2 boys. My boys are now 12 and 9. Once a year me and the boys go to my families vacation home with the entire family and up until this year, my fiance did not attend. But now that we are engaged and merging families, the family asked that he come too (they all get along great with him anyways). I
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 03
    Font - explained to him prior to us coming to our family retreat that during our week stay with the family, my kids do not have a bedtime. We do a lot of night activities, such as night swimming in the pool, karaoke, fires, nightly strolls through the neighborhood, etc etc. So during this week, my kids absolutely do not have a bedtime and this is how it has always been. I made it clear that
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 04
    Font - bedtime was not to be enforced like it was at home because this is vacation and time with family and I'm not making my kids miss out on the nightly activities. I also explained that due to this, some nights they are up until easily 11-midnight. It's once a year, it's no big deal. So he was fully aware and please note that this is the only time I've seen this side of him that I will mention below.
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 05
    Font - We get here the first night and you can tell he is already uncomfortable with the boys staying up past their bedtime. He was stressing out because the boys were still in the pool at 10pm and he felt they should be in bed already. I reminded him at least twice that we were not enforcing a bedtime here and he let it go the first night. The second
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 06
    Font - night 9pm rolls around and the boys were still up and my fiance was dropping comments like "you're lucky you're even still awake right now, you should be in bed". Saying it right in front of my mom, who looked mortified that he had such an attitude. I told him to cut the fucking shit, in private. He tells me he thinks it's fucked up and that it's going to be terrible trying to get them back on their schedule (never been an issue in the years prior). I stood firm and told him to knock it o
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 07
    Font - But then last night my fiance starts angry sighing every single time he looks at my kids still awake and I finally pulled him aside and told him he was a fucking embarrassment because he keeps saying these comments in front of my family, which leads to awkward silences and judgemental glances my way. I warned him prior to coming here and if he had an issue that he can't control for a week than he needs to leave because he's ruining our trip with his passive aggressive BS surrounding a bed
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 08
    Font - He told me I'm an AH for making him feel like garbage over wanting to keep the kids on a schedule because it's "best for them". AITA?
    via u/Fit-Respond3512
  • 09
    Font - tatersprout 16 hr. ago 2 Craptain [169] NTA I know you said this behavior is not his usual, but I would say that this is a prediction of the future with him.
    via u/tatersprout
  • 10
    Font - He has an opinion that differs from yours. He doesn't have to agree with you, but he does have to respect your decisions. He doesn't respect you and can't control himself. He made a fool of himself and openly showed his disdain to your entire family.
    via u/tatersprout
  • 11
    Font - Please rethink your relationship. Things may have been smooth in the past because a situation where you disagree has likely never been an issue.
    via u/tatersprout
  • 12
    Font - LlamaMamaMandi 15 hr. ago 2 Excellent point, and let me add from personal experience the dynamic can really change after the wedding. 40 years ago I went from having a mom and her fun boyfriend, to a mom and a step dad who thought he had to become a parent overnight. How will he deal
    via u/LlamaMamaMandi
  • 13
    Font - overnight. How will he deal with adjusting schedules as they kids age? If he's already acting like this, I really wonder how he will be with the added level of marriage.
    via u/LlamaMamaMandi
  • 14
    Font - Lucy_Koshka 14 hr. ago Exactly. In my case it absolutely did escalate to abusive behavior all around, but while there's a lot to unpack regarding my former stepdad, what
    via u/Lucy_Koshka
  • 15
    Font - stepdad, what I mostly remember was being so confused and scared as a 6/7 year old who had never really been spanked to having this new dad who would pull us into the bathroom and spank us over bended knee. With a bright orange paddle that hung in the kitchen, half decorative and half threat, no less. While my mom just kind of...deferred.
    via u/Lucy_Koshka
  • 16
    Font - I haven't read OP's other comments yet, but I am glad she's standing up to him in this instance. That crap about "you're lucky you're still up, blah blah blah" sounds so much like my former stepdad and she's better off nipping that shit in the bud before it escalates even more.
    via u/Lucy_Koshka
  • 17
    Font - hsavvy 14 hr. ago Partassipant [3] My stepdad recently died, but I was 4 when he and my mom got together and one of the reasons we were so close and had a great relationship was because he NEVER acted like my primary parent. At my mom's house, he always deferred to her for parenting/discipline and he never tried to step on my dad's toes. It was amazing.
    via u/hsavvy
  • 18
    Font - Rain-and-Tears · 13 hr. ago It's similar to when my mum and dad split as well. My stepmother tried to be a replacement in the most awful way possible, talking negatively about my mum and saying I was 'just like her' whenever she was upset with me. Thankfully
    via u/Rain-and-Tears
  • 19
    Font - dad divorced her lol. My stepdad on the other hand never disciplined my brother and I, he had his opinions and concerns but always told them to mum so she could handle it
    via u/Rain-and-Tears
  • 20
    Font - legal bagel 13 hr. ago Yikes. I don't disagree with my husband in front of my kids or his kid or anyone when it comes to the rules, especially those specifically discussed prior to doing something.
    via u/legal bagel
  • 21
    Font - Saying to OP in private, I know you said no bedtime, but I think that it's better to keep on a schedule for xyz reasons. Op says, I disagree, we do this 1x a year with all the family and its not going to disrupt their lives to have extra freedoms on vacation. Bf but it will make it hard to enforce when we get home. Op, maybe, but that's My job as the parent not your job as their future stepdad. We can
    via u/legal bagel
  • 22
    Font - disagree about the rules for MY kids, but I am the alpha and omega on these decisions because they are MY kids. I won't question you in front of them, I expect you to do the same, but if I disagree with your decision, I will absolutely tell you later to NOT do that with My kids.
    via u/legal bagel
  • 23
    Font - Helena__Handbasket 13 hr. ago OOF, it's always, "he never acted like this before!" Then a list of a bunch of behaviors that are exactly like this. Most of us have been there, and what it really means is there's a bunch of behaviors that we've completely overlooked with rose colored glasses on.
    via u/Helena__Handbasket

Tags

marriage relationships step-parent boundaries stepdad passive aggressive Parenting FAILS
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